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Timothy Alan Dick was born on June 13th, 1953 in Denver, Colorado, to Gerald and Martha Dick. His father was a real estate salesman who was killed by a drunk driver when Tim was 11 years old. His mother was a community service worker, who remarried who high school love two years after Tim's father's death. When Tim was younger his mother, himself, and eight siblings packed up and moved to Birmingham, Michigan.
In high school, Tim's favorite subject was shop. And after high school, he attented and graduated from 'Western Michigan University' with a degree in Television Production in 1975. In 1978, he was arrested for drug charges and spent a total of 28 months in jail.
On a dare from a friend, he started his comedy career at the 'Comedy Castle' in Detroit. Later, he did several cable specials including 'Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen' (1988) and 'Tim Allen: Men Are Pigs' (1991). Between his amateur comedy he had a wife - Laura Diebel - who he was married to from April 7th, 1984-2003. The two also had a daughter named Kady in 1989. In 1991, he became the star of his biggest break on his own comedy television series called 'Home Improvement' The show focused on himself and his wife Jill (Patricia Richardson), raising a marriage and three boys, while dealing with other facts of life.
The show ran for nine years (1991-1999), and while the show on the air, he also did other movie productions such as 'The Santa Claus' (1994), Toy Story (1995), Toy Story 2 (1999), and Galaxy Quest (1999), to name a few. While doing all of this, he also developed his own line of signature power tools manufactured by Ryobi in August of 1996. He has written books such as 'Don't Stand too close to a Naked Man' (1994), and 'I'm not really here' (1996). On top of all of this, his own racing team, Tim Allen/Saleen RRRRacing.
In May of 1999, he ended Home Improvement. Since it ended, he continues doing movies such as Big Trouble in 2002, Joe Somebody in 2001, Christmas with the Kranks (2004), and The Shaggy Dog (2006).
Patricia Castle Richardson was born February 23, 1951 to parents Lawerence and Elizabeth. Patricia was the third of her four sisters, Ann, Lynn, and Cathy. Growing up, the family lived a lot of places because of her father's job as a lifer with the Navy.
She was a 1969 graduate of the prestigious Hockaday School For Girls-Dallas, Texas. She also was a 1973 graduate of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas. She understudied the part of young "Gypsy Rose Lee" in Angela Lansbury's production of "Gypsy" on Broadway. Pat later played a number of different roles in the show. She was a former classmate of playwright of Beth Henley, and then she played a role in Henley's play "The Miss Firecracker Contest" off-Broadway.
She was married to Chad Richardson from July 17, 1974 until his death on December 23, 1978. She remarried Ray Baker on June 20th, 1982, and divorced him in August of 1995. They have 3 children together. Henry, born on February 22nd, 1985, and twins Roxanne and Joseph, born on January 3rd, 1991.
She earned a total of four Emmy nominations and two Golden Globe nominations for playing Jill, one of the main characters in 'Home Improvement' as Tim's sassy, sexy, smart wife, and the mother of his three boys.
Since the closing of 'Home Improvement', she has been seen on numerous shows such as playing Dr. Andy Campbell on Strong Medicine, and guest starring on show such as Law & Order SVU. Her latest production was 'Out of Omaha' as Aunt Bonnie.
Zachery Ty Bryan was born October 9th, 1981 in Aurora, Colorado to parents Dwight & Jenny Bryan. He started acting as a young age, and really got noticed when he started playing Tim and Jill's oldest son Brad Taylor on the hit comedy 'Home Improvement' in 1991. His first movie was 'First Kid' in 1996.
All 5'11" of this man plays soccer, has a dog named Ozzie, and has volunteered for many charities for AIDS and cancer. And has also done charities for underprivileged and abused children. He enjoys art and has written a few childrens books that are yet to be published. He attended La Salle High School as did his younger sister Ciri. Zac was also the youth spokesman for the 1994 World Cup Soccer.
Zac and his longtime girlfriend Carly Matros were engaged in 2004 and married in October of 2005.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas was born on September 8th 1981 in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania to his parents Stephen Weiss and Claudine Taylor who divorced in 1991.
After him and his family moved to California, he was noticed on a Burger King commercial at the age of 8. He is most recognized from playing the second son of Tim & Jill, 'Randy Taylor' on the hit comedy show "Home Improvement", which he played on from when he was a kid until well into his teenage years. He is also very notable for lending his voice as young Simba on "The Lion King" which came out in 1994.
After those shows ended and he got older, he was known as the most recognized teenage heartthrob in the USA and Canada. His face was shown on multiple magazines covers over the years and has lent his voice and acting in many movies and starred in many TV shows. He is also the best known out of the three boys that starred in "Home Improvement", Zachery Ty Bryan and Taran Noah Smith.
Taran Noah Smith was born on April 8th, 1984 in San Francisco, California to his parents David Smith and Candy Bennici. He has an older sister named Ariandrea (Aria) Hilary Smith who is seven years old then him and is an international model.
He is best known for his continued role as the youngest son of Tim and Jill, "Mark", who in his younger years is always tormented by his older brothers "Brad" and "Randy". He won numerous awards for his role on "Home Improvement", including the 'Young Artist Award' in 1992, and another "Young Artist Award" with a youth ensemble in a TV series (shared with Zachery Ty Bryan and Jonathan Taylor Thomas) He has also done little parts such as "Peter McKinley" who was a suicidal teenager on the hit sitcom "7th Heaven".
He was married to his wife Heidi Pelt who is 16 years his senior. They married shortly after his 17th birthday on April 27th, 2001, and opened a vegan restarant together which he does a lot of catering for. They split in 2006, but still remain great friends and spend a lot of time together.
Earl John Hindman was born on October 20th, 1942 in Bisbee, Arizona to his parents Burl and Eula Hindman. He also had a sister Anna Dean, and a brother, Ray.
Earl long studied at the University of Arizona at Tucson. He married Molly McGreevey on May 21st 1976. Him and her later played on Ryan's Hope.
All 6'3" of this man is best known for his role as the grandfatherly figure of the neighbour next door to the Taylor family on the family comedy sitcom "Home Improvement", Wilson Wilson Jr. He always solved the family's problems with each other (mostly Tim) and sometimes Jill and the boys.
There is an inside joke throughout the whole 9 years of this show where Wilson's face is never completely shown. Most of the time he is hiding behind the fence, and other times it is hiddeen by other things, such as a coffee cup, a "Phantom of the Opera" mask, or a bouquet of flowers
Earl Hindman sadly died of lung cancer on December 29th 2003 in Stanford, Connecticut at the age of 61.
Richard Karn Wilson was born on February 17th 1956 in Seattle Washington to his parents Gene and Louise Wilson. Louise sadly died in 1983 of bone cancer.
He is best known for his part as the sensitive Al Borland, who was Tim's assistant or "sidekick". He was often picked on by Tim and the other guys at the hardware store, but still remained great friends with Tim and his wife Jill, even thought Tim hardley showed it. Tim also constantly made fun of his apperant grossly overweight mother, who "passed away" in one episode when she found out he was getting married and had a heart attack.
He is also known as the host of the game show "Family Feud". He replaced Louis Anderson in 2002, and then left in 2006 and was replaced by Seinfeld's John O'Hurley.
Richard has been married to Tudi Roche since 1985 who occasionally appeared on "Home Improvement" as Jill's sister Carrie. They live in Los Angeles California with their one son, fourteen year old Cooper.
Debbe Dunning was born July 11th 1966 in Burbank California. She graduated from John Burroughs High, was a cheerleader as well as homecoming queen.
She was later a model and then went on as her most recognizable role, Heidi Keppert, the tool girl on the family comedy sitcom "Home Improvement", working next to Al & Tim. She was in many commericals and ads for Ford, Taco Bell & Foot Locker. In December 2004 she was the spokesperson for a breast enlargement drink.
She is currently married to American volleyball legend Steve Timmons whom she wed on May 11th of 1997. They also have two kids together, a daughter Spencer Schae (born December 2nd 1996), and a son named Stony (born in 2000). They also have two dogs, Charlie (a mini schnauzer), and Roxie (a boxer).
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
[Jill has scheduled an appointment for Tim with a female urologist]
Tim: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman?
Jill: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
Tim: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in Manland?
Jill: "Manland"? Now you got a theme park between your legs?
Tim: Ice cold pop for my favorite son.
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler, the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.
Wilson: What I'm trying to say is that most people think the best way to get rid of a wart is to cut it off, but in actuality that isn't the best solution. See, the wart will reappear because the virus is still below the surface of the skin.
Tim: So just putting my two warts in separate rooms isn't going to cure this problem, eh?
Wilson: No, Tim. The only way to get rid of a wart is to go below the surface of the oily skin and dig out the root.
Tim: I see. Thanks. And Wilson, this is - bar none - the most disgusting conversation we've ever had.
Tim: Alright, guys. I'm sure there's something we all learned from this.
Brad: Yeah, the nose can be broken more than once in a day.
Randy: Let me get this straight. Mark gets fewer rules because he's a dork, and I get more rules because Brad's a dork.
Tim: [Watching a little TV in an ice shanty] I can't tell whether Gilligan got them off the island or the Pistons are about to score.
Boy: [Tim is dressed as Nanastein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish.
Jill: Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables.
Tim: Two pretzels are walking down the street. One is assaulted.
Tim: I didn't bug you during childbirth.
Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.
Tim: Some tool-men say "Why? ", this tool-man says "Why not? ".
Jill: This tool-man's wife says "Why me? ".
Tim: No, no.. listen you just don't understand about the pain down there.
[Jill looks very angry, takes the remote from Tim, shuts off the TV]
Jill: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE PAIN DOWN THERE?! Me, who has had three children RIPPED FROM MY LOINS?!?!
Tim: Are you saying we as in "we" or we as in "weeeeeeee"?
Tim: Honey, you can't let some nicks and cuts and contusions stop you from going. If I did that wouldn't go anywhere.
Jill: Tim, the last time I trusted you, we had Mark.
Randy: My dad's been in the hospital so much they gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Yeah, one more head injury and we win a trip to Hawaii.
Tim: Scott wouldn't cheat on Heidi; he's a Chevy guy.
Jill: Well, his Chevy is parked in someone else's garage.
[Tim walks into the house with a piece of table stuck to his head]
Jill: Don't you think you ought to go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there; they said I wasn't a "priority."
Jill: Why, was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?
Jill: Hey, Tim, dinner's ready.
Tim: I'm not really that hungry.
Jill: I didn't cook it.
Tim: I am famished.
Wilson: Sounds like you share your jocularity.
Tim: No he couldn't fit into mine.
Jill: You're not going to push him onto a red anthill, are you?
Tim: Honey, I think I've outgrown that.
Jill: How about the atomic wedgies?
Tim: Way too old for that.
Jill: What about the fake vomit in the shoes?
Tim: Never too old for that.
Tim: Wilson, let's say you didn't have my phone number and you wanted to call me.
Wilson: I have your phone number, Tim.
Tim: But what if you didn't?
Wilson: I suppose I'd ask you for it.
Tim: But what if you didn't know me?
Wilson: Then why would I want to call you?
Jill: Tim, Can you come down here? I have to talk to you.
Tim: Again?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [Climbs all the way down a ladder] OK, what did you do now?
Wilson: Heidey-ho neighbors.
Jill: Never mind, I'll talk to Wilson instead.
Tim: You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna install an escalator.
Randy: It's not junk, it's Heavy Metal.
Tim: It sounds like they banging their heads on their guitars while they're getting their teeth drilled.
Randy: Hey, cool - you saw the video.
Tim: Al is living every guy's fantasy... Every SINGLE guy's fantasy. Married guys don't have fantasies, they're taken away from them. Er, it's a good thing, because then you get to, you know, give all your attention to your wife. You know, year after year. Month in, month out. Day after day after day until you're dead.
Jill: [Sarcastically] You've just swept me off my feet again.
Randy: We couldn't find any garlic gloves.
Jill: No, honey, I meant CLOVES.
Randy: Oh, so we had Mark sniffing gloves for nothing.
Tim: We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al.
Al: I don't want to be a color, Tim.
Tim: Neither did red and look how well he turned out.
Randy: What did the moron have for breakfast?
Tim: I don't know.
Randy: This morning you had scrambled eggs and toast.
Tim: Helping my mom move will allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.
Wilson: Spend more time with her?
Tim: No, drive a really big truck.
Tim: I got a great joke for you. What did the moron have for breakfast?
Jill: Today you had cereal and an English muffin.
Jill: We're keeping score.
Tim: I thought you didn't want to keep score.
Jill: Oh, is the great big, bad bowling man afraid his itty-bitty wife is going to beat him?
Tim: Is the itty-bitty wife afraid the big, bad bowling man is going to leave her in the PARKING LOT?
Jill: We're always together at Christmas, even that year your father fell down the chimney. We were together. We were in the emergency room but we were together.
Tim: The Mustang is in the shop and I'm driving Jill's Nomad. I hate driving her car. I get in there, of course, no gas, hasn't been washed in three months, cookie crumbs on the front seat. Why can't she take care of her car? How simple would it be...
Dolores: Could it be she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids, and making sure you have a nice house to come home to?
Tim: Could be.
Jill: You heard the officer. There's nothing they can do.
Tim: Maybe there's nothing THEY can do. But there's something *I* can do. I'm the guy who delivered a baby after being crowned Car Guy of the Year in the same night. I'm the guy that built a lawn mower than can do 12 seconds in a 1/4 mile. I'm the guy that put a barbecue grill in orbit, so don't you tell me there's nothing we can do. I'm the Tool Man, I can fix ANYTHING.
Jill: Alright, zip up your fly and let's go.
Tim: Harry is acting like this is the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but you know what? I'm not buying it. They argue a lot, yes, he loves her and deep down somewhere this guy is hurting.
Jill: Oh my God.
Tim: What happened?
Jill: Did you just hear yourself? You've had an insight. And it was incredibly sensitive. Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.
Tim: I didn't mean to. I swear to God I didn't mean to.
Tim: Hey Cousin Randy, why don't you play with Cousin Gracie so Uncle Tim can go play with Mr. Hot Rod?
Randy: Well, Cousin Randy would love to, but unfortunately I've got to spend a couple hours with Uncle Chemistry and Aunt Algerbra.
Jill: You know what this means, don't you? You're evolving.
Tim: I am not and you take that back.
Tim: Wilson, are you naked?
Wilson: No, Tim, I am wearing a hat.
Randy: Oh yeah, Dad, by the way I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.
Tim: Real funny. Don't quit your day job.
Jill: That was real adult.
Tim: Well he started it.
Tim: Oh no, we overslept.
Al: I have to go.
Tim: No, stick around awhile.
Al: [Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO.
Tim: We have a bathroom in the house, Al.
Tim: Listen, what do you think Nana called Mom when she was little?
Mark: Jill?
Tim: No, a name that might annoy her.
Brad: Tim.
Tim: Back off. Okay, when she was real little, Nana used to call her...
Jill: [Over intercom] Don't even think about it, Tim.
Tim: You gave them shrapnel? What did you give me?
The Colonel: I gave you my daughter.
Tim: Yeah you're right, Sir. But I'm kind of tired of playing with that gift.
Al: I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's.
Tim talking to his two oldest sons, Brad and Randy
Jill and mother sharing memories about her father after he passed away
Randy and his girlfriend!
Jill and her son Randy
Tim and the toolgirls, Heidi and Lisa
Tim Allen and Patricia Richardson in the piliot episode. This is just 2 weeks after Patricia's birth of her twins, Roxanne and Joseph
Tim and Mark in the pilot episode
The Taylor Family: Unplugged.
How cute!!
Whoa.. mixed up much?
The Taylor Boys: Randy (Jonathan Taylor Thomas), Mark (Taran Noah Smith), Brad (Zachery Ty Bryan)
Tim: [Jill has waxed Tim's hot rod] This is the best thing you could give me.
Jill: I gave you three boys.
Tim: But none of them came out this clean.
Brad: Hey Dad, why didn't you marry Al?
Tim: Um, I thought about it. I just couldn't stand the thought of him baring my children. Little babies with beards and flannel diapers...
Tim: [to Jill] It's much better kissing you. Al's beard was so scratchy. At least you shave.
Jill: [about Brad] He's having dinner at 9:00. Just a couple years ago he's going to bed at 9:00.
Tim: A couple years from now, *we'll* be going to bed at 9:00.
Jill: I want to make this dinner real special. What is Samantha's favorite dish?
Brad: Chicken Cordon Bleu with endive watercrest salad.
Jill: We'll go with your favorite dish.
Brad: Sloppy Joes and tater tots?
Tim: [Upset over Jill's new car] It's a shocker. I don't know what to say.
Jill: How about saying that you're really happy that I got the car I wanted?
Tim: Alright, I... I'm... IT'S BRITISH. These people made a fighter plane out of wood. They put kidneys in pies for God's sakes.
Randy: You know, Brad, we were thinking about places to have your bachelor party. How do you feel about Chuck E. Cheese's?
Mark: Yeah , the groom gets free tokens.
Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.
Wilson: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.
Brad: This isn't going to be one of your 'When I was a little girl' stories, is it?
Jill: No, now just sit down... When I was a little person about your age...
Tim: I know the church. The one she's almost been married at three times. Just follow the tear drops right up to the door.
Tim: She loved it. Best night of her life.
Randy: Yeah right. I guess that's why you didn't come home with your wife.
[Tim grabs Randy's head and tilts it upwards so they are eye to eye]
Randy: Over the edge?
Tim: Way over the edge.
Tim: Al, what's your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Getting down and dirty with my hoe!
[Jill wants Tim to get a vasectomy]
Tim: I thought you were talking about the tube-tying thing.
Jill: Well, I am talking about the tube-tying thing, except it's your tubes.
[Tim and Al are substituting on a cooking show, and Al is showing how to prepare Gumbo]
Tim: If you threw Al's mom in there, you'd have Jumbo Gumbo.
[pause; no one laughs]
Tim: Of course you'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke. She's a very large, angry woman.
Jill: Randy yanked the shoes off of a kid at school, and filled them with Cheez Whiz.
Randy: But mom, you don't understand. He's a total geek.
Jill: Don't call him that.
Randy: What am I supposed to call him then?
Tim: How about the Whiz Kid?
Brad: I can't dance with my mother.
Jill: Hey, I used to change your diaper and powder your butt. Now get over here.
Jill: We never said we weren't going to have another baby.
Tim: I've said it, I've talked about it. I know I've talked about it. I mentioned it on Tool Time.
Jill: Oh great, so eleven people know about it?
Tim: Do you remember babies at all? Dirty diapers, colic, 2:00 am feedings, 3:00 am feedings. I don't have the energy for that any more.
Jill: You don't have the energy to say, "Wake up, Jill, the baby wants you"?
Tim: [about a mouse] Jill, it's just an innocent thing.
Jill: Tim, they are dirty, they carry disease, they eat garbage.
Tim: So do the boys and you're not afraid of them.
Tim: What if he starts protesting leather? Says we can't eat meat. Or what if he starts falling in love with dolphins and says we gotta throw out all our tuna? I'm only saying this once: I love my kids, but I will never, EVER give up my tuna.
Tim: Al, I only make fun of people and joke around with people I like.
Al: Then you must like me an awful lot.
Tim: I think of you as one of my brothers.
Al: You do?
Tim: Yeah. I used to joke and gag around with them all the time, that's why most of them won't speak to me to this day.
Al: So you're saying that when you make fun of my weight and my beard, it's because you like me?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: How about when you tease me about wearing flannel?
Tim: I do that because you look ridiculous.
Al: Last night, something very disturbing happened: Ilene... had a dream.
Tim: No! Not a dream. While she was sleeping? I don't know, scientists may want to study her.
Tim: Okay, brainiac, who sang, "Play That Funky Music"?
Jill: Wild Cherry, also 1976. Released on the epic label.
Tim: Come on.
Jill: "Come On", Tony Row, 1964.
Tim: Stop!
Jill: [singing]"... In The Name of Love". The Supremes, 1965.
[Tim and Jill are camping in the woods]
Jill: Thank God! I was getting worried. I heard this awful howling.
Tim: Oh, that was me. I couldn't find any leaves so I had to use a pinecone
Al: I hate the look.
Marty Taylor: How would you know about the look? You're not even married.
Al: I get the look when I am snippy to mother.
Tim: Why don't you tell the audience out there what Uncle Tim says whenever he starts a project.
Gracie Taylor: Ow, that hurts?
Tim: Come on, what does he say?
Claire Taylor: Call 911?
Tim: No. What did I say backstage?
Gracie Taylor: Al, your mom's fat?
Gracie Taylor: [the girls got Spice Girls dolls] I got Posh Spice!
Claire Taylor: [disappointed] I got Sporty Spice. I want Posh Spice.
Jill: But you love Sporty Spice. You were Sporty Spice for Halloween.
Claire Taylor: I want Posh Spice!
Gracie Taylor: But they gave ME Posh Spice.
Tim: Upstairs I got some Old Spice.
[Tim turns on the Christmas lights]
Wilson: Don't look directly at the Jesus!
Stu Cutler: Tim, if you hadn't have married Jill. I would have.
Tim: Now, there's something to think about, honey.
Jill: Well... life would sure be different.
Stu Cutler: It sure would. Timmy, you'd be visiting us tonight, and Jill would be a satisfied woman.
Tim: Almost done with that beer, Stu?
Jill: The pizza is round, the garbage can is round, why can't the box be round?
Tim: [Tim catches Randy and Brad up late watching a horror movie] Wow, he's coming after those teens with a Binford 10-10S chainsaw; a damn fine choice. Nice job, ghoul!
Wilson: I think you should know Tim, I'm a Bi-athlete.
Tim: Hey, whatever you do behind closed doors is your business.
[the boys are trying to stop Tim's snoring]
Brad: What if we hold his nose shut?
Randy: Then he'll breath through his mouth.
Brad: What if we hold his nose and mouth shut?
Randy: I think that's called murder.
Jill: 200 stations?
Tim: Oh, yeah.
Jill: Great, so now it'll take you 45 minutes to discover that there's nothing on you want to watch.
Tim: Everybody's got a TV.
Wilson: Not me. I just use my imagination and watch the pictures inside my head.
Tim: I guess that cuts down on re-runs then, doesn't it?
Wilson: Not necessarily, Tim, there's always deja vu.
Randy: Hey, you're great! I saw you at Chris Johnson's birthday party.
Sir Larry Houdini: Oh, lovely little girl!
Randy: Chris is a boy.
Sir Larry Houdini: Strange little boy.
(Tim pretends to do the Hustle)
Jill: Tim, disco didn't die, you killed it.
Jill: You're the transgressor.
Tim: I never wear your clothes!
Tim: Little baboons, where do they learn this stuff?
Jill: Possibly from the big baboon?
Mark: I'm smelling the inside of the garbage can.
Tim: Why are you doing that?
Mark: Brad said he'd give me a quarter if I did.
Tim: So what, is Brad like the garbage fairy now?
(Tim has set the table with wooden blocks)
Tim: Rehearsal food.
Jill: Well, I hope they don't like it, I don't have any recipes for wood.
Tim: Sure you do, that meatloaf you love so much!
[Jill and Tim having an argument after Tim finds out Jill left the car with the oil light on for 2 days]
Jill: I thought, if there was a problem, the light would get brighter, or there would be a buzzer.
Tim: It's a car, not a game show!
Tim: (to Brad) A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with?
Brad: Mom.
Jill: What?
Brad: Dad's cussing.
Tim: I'm not cussing.
Mark: He said a bad word.
Tim: It wasn't bad.
Randy: Yeah, he said "hell" and "damn".
Tim: I did not say "damn".
Randy: Now you did.
Tim: When was the last time you cried?
Jim: You mean cried cried or cried because something heavy fell on you?
Jill: What does my drooling have to do with home improvement?
Tim: Well, nobody wants to live in a damp house
Jill: What are we going to do about Brad and Randy? They keep tormenting Mark.
Tim: That's why we had Mark, so they'd leave us alone
Tim: I'm looking for something to put that chili in.
Jill: How about a trash bag?
Tim (about Mark's crayon drawing): That's some good-looking airplane.
Mark: It's Mom.
Tim: I thought those were propellers.
(Tim has lipstick all over his mouth)
Brad: Dad, you look like Nana!
Tim: No, if I were Nana, I would have lipstick all over my teeth.
Tim: Hey Randy, did you do your homework?
Randy: Yeah.
Tim: Want to help?
Randy: No.
Tim: Where did I go wrong with him?
Jill: Don't worry about it, he's not yours.
Tim: We talked about this long enough, I gonna put another sink in this room.
Jill: Oh, no no no no you're not.
Tim: It's not that big a job, it's a small job.
Jill: There is no such thing as a small job with you Tim. First you'd start with the sink, and the next thing I'd know you'd be rippin out walls, and runnin a subway through hear.
Tim: I'd give you freetickets...
Randy: If a snake married an undertaker what would their towels say?
Jill: A snake and an undertaker? I don't know, what?
Randy: Hiss and Hearse!
Tim: The first time I did Tool Time, I was petrified, so I tried to picture the audience as just one person.
Jill: The first time you did Tool Time, there was just one person.
Tim: That's not the point. So I tried to visualize that person in his underwear.
Jill: He was in his underwear.
Tim: He was not!
Randy: Dad's not doing anything.
Jill: What exactly is he not doing?
Brad: He's not rewiring the vacuum
Jill: You don't have to kiss them. You can just nestle your face in there and say "You're the best Jill, your the best."
Mark: Go Daddy, knock down another pin!
Tim: I hope the ball gets to the pins before the alley closes, hon.
Tim: You didn't knock them down, they fell down of boredom.
Tim: I hate to brag ... but I've knocked down quite a few pins in my day.
Jill: I know of one tonight.
Tim: When men and women are dancing correctly, no one's leading. You just move with the music, you don't know how you get there, you just get there. (laughs) It's kind of like how your mom drives.
Tim: Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing!
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?
After Brad and Randy buy Treasure Island perfume for Jill)
Tim: What? Did it come with a free parrot and wooden leg? Arrr! I look like a pirate and I smell like one too!
Tim:(Talking about the Leaning Tower of Pisa)This tower has been leaning for over 800 years and it hasn't fallen over. Kinda reminds me of my mother-in-law
Jill: If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well just go out and buy it myself.
Tim: Now you're talking. (starts taking money out of his pocket)
Tim: Mark and I were talking in the garage, do you guys know anything about a "little brother tax"?
Brad & Randy: No.
Tim: Maybe I should tell you about something called a "large angry father tax."
Jill: (about a past birthday present) A pressurized window washer? It shattered a window!
Tim: Every piece was clean though, all of them.
Randy: Man, I'm starving.
Mark: Me too,When are we gonna eat?
Brad: As soon as daddy gets back from the car with the food.
Mark: He's been gone for a long time, maybe he's lost.
Randy: If he doesn't come back, you know what the rule we're forced is?
Mark: What?
Randy: We eat the youngest first.
Showing Jill the Valentine he made for Jennifer)
Brad: What do you think?
Jill: Hmm ... G.I. Joe valentine. That's nice.What's this thing he's holding?
Brad: It's a flamethrower.
Jill: How romantic.
George Foremen:Hey Tim, is there something wrong with your eye?
Tim: No, no, hit it on something.
Al: His wife's fist.
Karen: Guys, I'm leaving.
Tim: Hey, my luck is changing already!
Hick: I won't even dance with a woman unless she's wearing nylons with a nice seam right up the back of her legs.
Eddie: Those aren't seams. Those are veins.
Tim: Has there ever been a challenge you've been unable to meet?
George Foreman: There was this seafood buffet once...
Mark: (Looking at Tim's cards) Three kings. Is that good?
(Everyone folds)
(Jill plays opera records in the garage)
Tim: That's not noise, that's a proctology exam!
(Jill catches Tim with her diary)
Jill: You were reading my diary!
Tim: No I wasn't, I didn't have time!
Tim: You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game if you don't apologize.
Fred: Hey, never apologize. It's admitting your wrong. I have never once aplogized to any woman.
Tim: Freddie, how many times you been married?
Fred: Three.
Tim: Why do you suppose that is?
(Randy tries to distract Tim while Brad steals donuts)
Randy: Uh, Dad, how do you build a house?
Tim: Well, first you select the sight where you're going to build. Then you choose the style of house. Then you put the donuts right back in the cupboard!
Brad: Aw, man!
(Brad and Randy leave the room)
Tim: Where are you going? I'm not finished. Then you pour the foundation!
Jill: I don't want to be a nagging wife.
Tim: Then how will I recognize you?
Jill: What is that thing there?
Tim: That's your new police scanner.
Jill: Thanks, honey, it's exactly what I've always wanted.
Brad: Cool, do I get to use the blowtorch?
Tim: Yeah, right. Then we wait outside for the fire department to show up.
Randy: Well, it's not like they haven't been here before.
Wilson: I believe it was Winston Churchill who said there is nothing so exhilarating as being shot at and missed.
Tim: Pretty safe bet it wasn't Lincoln who said that
Wilson: I want to take a vacation so I'm mentally projecting myself into a place I'd like to be.
Tim: Hawaii?
Wilson: No no no no, Tahiti. Hawaii's too crowded.
Brad: I wasn't trying to break the window.
Tim: What, did you miss science class or something? You throw a brick at a glass window, you expect it to STICK?
Jill: Then why were you looking at other women tonight?
Tim: Why was I looking at other women tonight?
Jill: Are you stalling?
Tim: Am I STALLING?
Mark: What's wrong?
Tim: I pulled my groin.
Mark: What's that?
Tim: My very favorite muscle.
Curtis: Mrs. Taylor, that's a great costume.
Jill: Thank you.
Curtis: You can't even see how fat you are
Mark's dressed as Tim)
Mark: I'm ready.
Randy: Who are you supposed to be?
Mark: I'm Daddy. I'm Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!
Tim: (grunts) Oh oh OH OH oh.
Mark: (grunts) Oh oh OH OH oh.
Randy: You should have gone as Al. We could have gotten more stuff.
Tim: This is a man's show, we give advice on man stuff. How to pull a nail out of your foot, what to do with a severed finger ...
Tim:(to Al about the segment Maureen Binford proposed called "the bachelor's corner" with Al) We should call your segment the alone and desperate corner.
Jill: The rental house manager has guaranteed me that I have the scariest looking costume that they have ever had.
Tim: They've got a costume that looks like you at 7 A.M.?
Tim sees Jill's "fat collection" pants)
Tim: You could fit EUROPE in these things!
Tim: Jill, you don't understand. I can't call him and talk about this. Men do not call each other and talk about relationships.
Jill: Well, they talk about sex.
Tim: So, that has nothing to do with relationships. . . Except in ours.
Jill: Until now.
Brad: (to Jill) Me and Randy are going to the basement to get some old toys for the shelter. We'll take them down in this trash bag.
Jill: Why, that is a wonderful idea! Just take anything you don't play with anymore.
Brad: Okay. Mark, hop in.
Tim: I've done everything on your stupid little list there!
Jill: You screwed up everything on my stupid little list there!
Tim: I didn't screw up everything.
Jill: Name one thing you didn't screw up.
Tim (after a long pause): Uh, the laundry.
Randy (from the garage): Dad, the dryer's going crazy!
Tim: Brad, so how about those Lions?
Brad: Oh yeah, I love you too, Dad.
Tim: You're going to miss the bus.
Jill: Ok, honey. Don't worry about it. I will just give you a ride to school on my way to the compost heap.
Tim: Try not to confuse those two, hon.
Tim: I think of everything in this house as ours.
Jill: What about the tools?
Tim: The tools are ours, I just don't want you touching them.
Jill (looking at the map): We're down and right, we're supposed to be up and left!
Tim: Thank you Rand McNally. Do you mean north and west?
Tim (about childbirth): It was painful for me too, all that screaming hurt my ears.
Jill: I've even started to like those stupid bloody action movies. I wouldn't mind having Arnold Schwarzenegger sheets.
Tim (in an Arnold voice): Maria! (pause) And I like going to the mall with you.
Jill: Really?
Tim (whispering): I kind of like buying lingerie.
Jill (whispering): I think that better stay our secret.
Tim (referring to the map) We're only off by a few inches.
Jill: Oh great, so when we hit Ecuador you'll say we're only off by a foot, foot and a half?
Tim: She's been jilted at the altar three times.
Jill: I'm in the wedding this time, I'm going to bring her luck.
Tim: You were in our wedding, it didn't bring us luck.
Tim: What does that sign say?
Jill: "Welcome to Ohio."
Tim: Well, we won't be needing that Michigan map now, will we?
Jill: If we hit Kentucky, I'm filing for divorce.
Jill: Ask for directions or I will get up early every morning and burn your sports section!
Jennifer Sudarsky: Good luck trying to find someone else to do your homework!
Jill: Bradley Michael Taylor!
Brad: Mom, I can't talk now, I'm very sad!
Jill: Randall William Taylor!!
Tim: (to Mark) Uh oh, middle name, he's in trouble!
Jill: Now I want you guys to have a good time, but Mark, remember, this is a grown-up place, and I want you to be on your best behavior. And remember Tim, this is a grown-up place, and I want you to be on your best behavior.
Mark: Dad, is Mom coming?
Tim: No.
Mark: What are we going to do in case there's trouble?
Randy: Cigars and cookies - we're men!
Tim: Boys! Come downstairs! Half your grandma showed up!
Nana: We would have tea and cookies, but I told you they were tea and crumpets. Then when your father got home, you told him we had tea and puppets.
Jill: Tea and puppets, I really said that? I was so adorable, how could you stand me?
Jill: (talking about her mother)And where does she get off losing all that weight?
Tim: You said she look spectacular!
Jill: Feeds me chicken fried steak and gravy for twenty years, and shows up here all skinny, with drums.
Tim: (sarcastically) Ohhh.
Jill: Tells me my house looks.. nice.
Tim: You - you know what I think?
Jill: WHAT TIM?!
Tim: Uh... I have no opinion.
Nana: (telling a story about Jill) She was so nervous that night, instead of deodorant, she sprayed on insect repellant!
(Everyone laughs except Jill)
Jill: It was only under one arm. It's no big deal; it's not that funny.
Tim: It's not that funny . . . but maybe next time, you should just hang a No Pest Strip.
Tim: (seeing that Nana has lost weight) Where's the rest of you? You coming in shifts?
Tim playing with his niece Gracie
Tim, Jill and Al in their Home Improvement spoof of "Grease Lighting"
Al: My mother is frequently the butt of your jokes.
Tim: Al, you make this too easy.
Randy (locking Tim in a box during a magic trick): Please observe that there are no holes of any kind except in my assistant's head.
